Find Your Happy

But where do I start?

If you are like me, you are happy to see the back end of 2020, and are hoping for a better new year. However, it will take more than just hope; it will take some action on your part.  Now, I am not talking about all those New Year’s resolutions we have all made to quit smoking, lose weight, exercise, etc.  Let’s face it, often those resolutions have the life span of a package of toilet paper early in the pandemic.  

But what if I could help you find your happy,  and do it in a way where you did not have to feel so guilty about eating that cookie or sleeping in instead of hitting the gym?

When I begin to see a client, I try to focus in on the goals we are trying to accomplish. So, instead of asking, “What is your problem?” I’m more curious to know “What do you want to be better?”  Some are very clear about what they want, but this question can be a stumper for clients who have been focused on what is wrong in their lives. 

A frequent, but vague answer is,

“I want to be happy.”  

You would be surprised by how many people don’t know what “happy” would mean for them.  Maybe because they have lived with life’s problems and pain for so long they have forgotten.  For such occasions, social workers use a prompt called The Miracle Question.  This is a method developed by Steve de Shazer, one of the pioneers of Solution Focused Therapy.  

It goes something like this:  

Imagine that tonight as you sleep a miracle occurs in your life.  A magical momentous happening has completely solved your problem and even improves other areas of your life.  

Think for a moment and tell me… how is life going to be different now?  Describe it in detail.  

Even though I have a wand in my office, I cannot make everyone’s problems magically go away. But, by looking at the client’s answer to the Miracle Question, what I can do is help clients begin to see what their life could look like, and that vision is important.  A very wise colleague of mine used to say to her clients, “If you don’t know where you want to be, how are you going to get there?” 

So let your limitations go and your imagination run wild, after all, it’s a Miracle! 

What’s the first thing you’ll notice as you wake up in the morning?  Who are you with?  What are you doing?  How are you going to spend your day?  

With the new vision in mind you can begin to take action and make changes in your life that will lead to more happiness.  Some of the changes might be quite small, like I am going to spend 10-15 minutes a day reading something for fun, once a week I will paint my nails.  That’s great!  Often it is the little things we do for ourselves that make the biggest difference.  

For larger goals the next step is to brainstorm about smaller steps leading to the ultimate goal.  For a client who wanted to take a vacation, but did not see how she could afford one, she began to save some of every check she earned.  If her check was $534.52, she put $34.42 into a savings account.  It did not seem like a lot, but the important thing is she started.  In social work we call this “setting your intention.”  By the way, my client did reach her goal and flew off to a sunny beach.

For clients who see the miracle as being more social, but who are crippled by anxiety, a start might be just smiling at people he or she passes or saying hello to a checkout clerk.  

Are you in a rut?  Take a baby step outside your comfort zone and keep challenging yourself to do something new each week.  I’ve sent a number of people to the store to find some food they have never tried before with instructions to buy it, take it home, and eat it.  They don’t have to like it; the victory is in seeing that they can do something new. 

Small steps can lead to big things.  

I hope this gives you some ideas about where you can begin.  And remember, you don’t have to do this alone.  Family Resources has therapists ready to help you on your journey.  

Now go find your happy in 2021.